your music
Tue, Nov 27, 2007 at 9:57 AM
sandi sylver
To: Catherine Todd
oh catherine... how lovely... you've left me wanting to hear more... i hope you never stop playing... i hope you can record more (can you do this with your own software?)... it is so delicate / warm / intriquing / loveswept / lovelorn.... thanks for sending it.
xoxoxoxxo
Catherine Todd
To: sandi sylver
Dear Sandi,
You said, after listening to the little 4 minute mp3 piano piece:
"... it is so delicate / warm / intriguing / loveswept / lovelorn.... thanks for sending it."
What a wonderful thing to say; you used the PERFECT words! "loveswept / lovelorn"
THANK YOU for giving me very much encouragement and inspiration to do MORE! Alright, I will climb over my fear and "do it again." I even bought a very good portable microphone recommended by Ackerman's engineer, Corin, to take with me to Guatemala (and elsewhere) if I can find a piano, a long extension cord and a plug.
I'll send you #3 at around 7 min. separately, as it isn't too large to email. #2 is almost 15 min. practice session, and is too large to send. Will have to make you a CD when I can. #1 that you rec'd is 4:33 min.
These three little songs are the only "real" recordings I've ever done, outside of a bunch of cr*** cassettes that I've recorded over the years right next to the piano that sound so bad I never understood why people always said they liked the music so much. It must be great, in some ways, to look back on a lifetime of recording sessions, and have a "body of work" to show, although listening to my old cassettes (poor quality though they may be) is interesting, as I really like the new stuff better. It has much more depth and resonance, it seems. I am very impressed with these three little songs myself. Talk about "healing one's self." I leave it on all night long if I need to, when I'm all broken up inside. In the morning, the waves of the music have washed over me again and again and everything feels "put back in place." Now the trick is to learn how to do this in the daytime in the midst of our everyday, and sometimes chaotic, life. To "live in a state of harmony" as I can live dancing across the keys. That would be a great trick, wouldn't it?
The "Imaginary Road Studios (IRS)" sessions in VT (Will Ackerman's studio since he sold Windham Hill) were ALL "practice" sessions, really, since I hadn't played a real piano in a couple of years. I couldn't believe it had been that long... the time just flew by so swiftly, but there I was. Somehow found myself in that rented car driving further and further up North. Only 3.5 hours from NYC and a wonderful ride, only had to stop once to rest my back and had a great time. It was great, one of the best weekends of my life and I can't wait to go back in the Spring. I will have to have practiced quite a bit in the meantime so I will actually have something "new or better" or composed. Gives me something and a timeline to work towards. "Something to look forward to," which has been denied to me for so many years. Well, I'm in "control" now of my time and my finances, as God has granted me some financial freedom in the meantime while I wait for all these properties to sell. God and Les, that is, since he isn't fighting me over any of the profit that comes after a sale, no matter how little (or much) that happens to be. That's a huge change from before. So, on down the many roads ahead of me I can go. What a difference all this makes. Even though it's still so "up and down" as before, it's beginning to be more "up" than it has been in years. What a relief.
But back to the recording studio and the "3 little pieces": I used to always be able to play the piano 1.5 hrs straight, I would just sit down and the waterfall would just "pour out." 90 minutes later "the well would go dry" but it was "enough." Just like turning on and off a fountain at a well gushing out of the rocks at Lourdes, or the fountain in the center of town in a little dry dusty town in Italy somewhere. It was the "magic fountain" that was always there when I need it most. Then that would be it, the music would end all by itself, the valve would shut off... that vein of water in the golden well would temporarily go dry.
I couldn't play two days in a row; had to wait about three before the music would turn on again. This time the most I could do was 15 minutes! But I was very, very shy about playing and completely freaking out to tell you the truth. Corin, the sound engineer / producer was great, and we spent most of the time talking about recording, the equipment, what goes into making a CD, how to find just the right sound or "part" of a take, how to keep track of the various parts of the different takes so you know what sections to keep, etc. I decided that I would use the time as a "recording workshop" weekend and it worked out just great.
So, in spite of having been "pianoless" for the first time in my life, really, all because of living with Les, as usual some good came of it since I was driven (literally) to record what was left of my music before it all disappeared. So finally I bit the bullet, coughed up the money, and jumped on my high horse of fear and went to do my thing, in public, in front of an experienced "music person" and came home with a priceless souvenir that no one can take away.
What price we pay for living the wrong kind of life, though, since living with Les has been such a double edged sword. Good in so many ways, and awful in the rest. I always think of what you said about "letting Larry set your worth" and taking his actions personally," or something to that effect, and this new attitude of mine has really made a great change in my home (or lack of) life. But being dependent in my codependent way has been WORSE than being hooked on drugs or alcohol, since it has ultimately cost me everything that "meant" something to me. Or at least that is how it feels right now, as I write from my little "summer cottage" where Les is, in fact, paying the bills so that I CAN go up to VT (as I come up with $8, 000.00 per month for the rest of the bills). But he cooked dinner like he always does and unstuck the toilet and will go with me to the doctor and dentist if I need to and am scared to.
But then I say "I must have gotten something necessary out of it" like Job lost in the desert (was it Job in the desert? I'm not talking about the 40 days of Jesus out there). My past isolation has felt like developing MS (multiple sclerosis) yet those people say that they have found a kind of peace that not being able to do anything else but "to find God" can bring.
Anyway, all these days are past and gone, or at least about to change, I hope. I hope that is what this letter is all about.
I wish I wouldn't having to keep writing about this same stupid scenario, but I suppose this will change as I make the necessary changes. I am surrounded in every room of this little tiny house with boxes and racks and photographs of my "old lives;" there are so many of them - and the need to release them and finally give them up. Give them away, find them new homes where they can all be appreciated by someone in the NOW. not living on empty dreams of the past gone by. Even if the past did come back to haunt me, those happiest days of my life were also fraught with dangers and loneliness and fears. Those parts I always conveniently "forget about," it seems. So conveniently.
Once I give up or reforge new experiences with the important people (you, for example) and things and events and places in my life, then I can live in the present and face the future "without fear or tinted glasses," I guess. At least that's what I keep hearing and reading about. So be it, I really have no other choice. Either Les was put here just to destroy every dream I ever had and ruin my life, or he helped destroy things as I was forced to learn to do things in an even better way. His destruction of my 100 acre development led me to the happiest years of my life in Paris, and his destroying my work and my dream on the farm led me to Lake Atitlan, NYC and Vermont, where I recorded these few songs. So I suppose I should thank him for that.
What is it that Angelina Jolie has tattooed on her back? "That which nourishes me destroys me." I think I am beginning to understand what this might mean.
I am interested to see "what life awaits" me when I finally let go of everything, and throw myself on the mercy of "detachment and abandonment." We'll see, every step of the way.
I was able to play in Pana a few times on the old beat up upright in the Circus Bar in Panajachel; the only piano I know of around there. The only other time was on the dinky electronic keyboard a year ago in March when Dorothy died and I was still over there. That music is "moving," but very, very different due to the electronica. This time on a real acoustic grand it felt and sounded "like me" for the first time in years.
Your description of the music fits PERFECTLY:
"it is so delicate/warm/intriguing/loveswept/lovelorn..."
"oh catherine... how lovely... you've left me wanting to hear more... i hope you never stop playing."
I have played my whole life; I remember sitting at the piano playing like this when I was all of ten years old. I don't think I could stop, really, if I tried. But your encouragement means that TOMORROW I will drive in to Durham a little bit early before I meet an old friend who is a musician and go to the piano store, and test out the electronic keyboards so I finally have one to take back to Pana with me. I will do it for sure! Scared to test out a keyboard in front of the salesman, but I will have to since I have so many questions I might ask. So...
THANK YOU AGAIN. YOUR OPINION MEANS SO MUCH! NOW I WILL GIVE IT A TRY.
I will make some "real" CD's in Pana where the English bookstore owner has a CD printer so he can print beautiful "cover art" on it. I will also try to burn one from here and send it before I leave if I can (and remember). Remind me if need be.
Your opinion (and three other musicians that I dared send it to) is just what I needed to have the courage to go ahead and send it out to my email list, maybe along with an electronic Christmas Card. I hope they like it as much as you . Even I have been listening to it quite a bit.
I miss playing a real acoustic piano so much (but I have found a few other substitutes, though not as grand). I had TWO pianos in the other house, but could never get to them since I could never build one separate music room for the piano; we could "never afford it." But I could build 5 houses that were used as storage sheds, not living space; and seeing the pianos and the piano bench covered with boxes and junk every day so that I couldn't even get close to either one of them was so incredibly depressing, it just broke my heart. The best thing I did was to get rid of them: sold the $12,000 baby grand that was my pride and joy to someone at Duke Divinity School for $1, 500.00 just so it would have a good home. Now it's gone and I HAVE to find another way to get to play my music, and to "get the music out." It's healing music for sure, as I can't live (or at least "not well") without those vibrational tones running up and down my body, through my legs and arms. It really was the only "meditation" that I knew. I could play for an hour and a half, swirling through the universe, nature, drought and streams... dipping my finger and toe into that Great Silver Stream, and finally diving in deep dark and sound...
Les taking that away from me every single place I went just broke my heart, over and over, and my spirit as well. Inch by inch, he would cover that which meant the most to me until I couldn't even get physical access to them. Then I would get all the guys on the crew to move it somewhere else and start over, and then Les would start his thing all over again. Instead of me just moving OUT, and living ALONE, I would start yet another house on a lot next door, and the same thing would happen again. I ended up with 5 beautiful small houses, but not a one that had a music room.
I really blew it this time. I don't know why I stayed so long, but I was taking care of Dorothy and just like having young children, I really didn't feel like I could leave as long as she was there. It was sad losing her at around age 84, but it really did "set me free" in more ways than one. I had actually "resigned" in writing and left for Guatemala three weeks before she died. You can imagine how guilty I felt when that happened; "if only I had stayed." But the retired registered nurse that was hired after I left (magically Les could finally "afford it" once I was going to go and he HAD to pay someone else) was very experienced in death and dying, and when Dorothy's cancer came back, hospice and the nurse all said "it won't be long now."
No one guessed that this would mean in less than three weeks from we found out her cancer had come back, and there was no more treating it. In fact, I think it was really about three days between when Dorothy stopped eating; refusing food and most water, and the nurse made that statement. She died peacefully in her sleep and Les found her around 2:00 a.m. "Something had woken him up."
Les called me 4 hours later at 6:00 a.m. in Guatemala, and I had been up most of the night with one of the worst nights of my life. I asked him why he didn't call earlier, and he said he "didn't want to disturb me," and I said "Well, I was disturbed all night anyway, I must have 'known'" and he said "Yeah, he thought about that later as I so often just "know" things anyway. But either way she was gone. Then Les said there "wasn't enough money for a plane ticket for me to return for the funeral" (it was $1, 200.00 w/ no bereavement fares given by the airlines on that day) but there was money for him to buy an $8,000.00 casket to bury her in. So everyone was at the funeral except the one that took care of her for almost four years every day.
Why am I telling this story? For "historical accuracy," perhaps? What a bunch of b.s. I can't wait to leave! Hah! End of these stories, I hope and pray. I have a lovely photo of Dorothy and me around her final Christmas which I'll also try to find and send to you. I guess because it's almost Christmas again I always think of her when I see this picture. I also will send you the electronic music, the first group of little songs I ever "composed" (meaning burst out on their own) on the $99.00 electronic keyboard for the laptop. I did one more later that summer and sent it to my son, when I was still trying so hard to "heal that relationship," until someone (many "ones") pointed out that it had to come from BOTH sides, not just one. But anyway, they have a few nice parts. I've only sent them to two or three people, so you opinion will be valuable once again.
I'm going to try and get a better keyboard to take back with me and see what I can come up with. I know this "electronica" music is just fascinating, and there's lots that you can do with it, so even if I miss my vibrational acoustics, maybe I can find them somewhere else. Inside a plastic keyboard and a laptop? Hmmmm. Well, we'll see.
Thanks so much for writing. I'm going to actually buy my return ticket to Lake Atitlan (Panajachel) in the next few days. I'm "scared" to go back for some reason; I guess because I am getting closer and closer to leaving here and living there full time, with at present "no visible means of support."
Well, that's been a concern at other times in my life, but I wasn't sick all the time way back then, but this time around I am SURE that I will do everything in my power (and in God and my Guardians power as well) to HEAL myself: body, mind and soul. I really think this can happen, from what all the people in my life are telling me right now, and what better place than my beautiful walled garden within walking distance of the lake to do it in? Plus I can AFFORD to live down there with everything I want for a year at least. "A year" goes by so quickly nowadays, but it gives me a bit of time to finish selling ("letting go") of everything here so as to be open to whatever comes next.
Oh, My.
What a long email this has turned out to be. I hope you have time to read it. If not, thanks again for giving me the time and space and most of all INSPIRATION to write all this down. It's turning into quite a "journal."
I'll send more music and photos by separate emails.
Love, and Happy Holidays, and wish I were there to see some of your Holiday Mrs. Santa Claus shows. They Sound Great!
Love, as always, Katie
--
*** Traveling:
"Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board..." ~ Zora Neale Hurston
"A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of a faraway place. A traveler on a plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of home." ~ Carl Burns
Words to live by: "Best of all is to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song." ~ Konrad von Gesner
Catherine Todd
3007 Bent Tree Dr. Oxford NC 27565
H 919.693.0853 U.S. cell 919.605.0727
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